closure's not just a seven letter word.

it's not always rainbows and butterflies over here, across the pond. i've had my fair share of highs and lows (no pun intended). last friday was a low, oddly enough. i took the day off for a weekend 'holiday' in stockholm. i should have exuded excitement at the opportunity to discover a new city. instead, i spent most of my afternoon on trains, planes, and buses desperately seeking a 'zen moment' to combat a truckload of emotions.

my greatest fear is leaving FareShare without proper closure. this summer has zoomed by at top speed. sometimes i feel as if i'm on autopilot. i've unintentionally made a routine of absorbing as much as i can without really processing it. that's the scary part. i didn't even realize i was doing it until i tried to journal on the way to stockholm. a thousand thoughts and experiences raced through my head, completely overwhelming me.

i failed to mention that fellow serviceshippers krista caballero and brian gordon join up with me in london on thursday to launch part two of my journey, a marathon sprint of children's camps and tourism. the pressure of another month of travel further inundated my mind with emotions. i feared that failing to reflect properly would affect the memories of my experiences in london, something i never ever want to forget. i'd push everything to the back of my mind until i returned home to jacksonville for a week and sort it all out in between visits with family, friends, and doctor appointments.

(i know, i know. i over think. it's a tragic flaw.)

ironically enough, stockholm was perfect for reflection. that weekend, i reunited with an old friend who's interning with a CSR consultant group in hamburg, germany. it was a glorious weekend of food and therapy as we discussed the challenges of beginning a new life in a different country (props to her-- at least the UK speaks english). all of the frustrations i failed to record on paper disappeared. i returned to london proud of my independence, my personal growth, my journey...

after jeredine returned from holiday, i continued to run the depot a couple of mornings a week. this morning was my last time as a shift manager at FareShare. of course, everything went wrong. it always does. i found two unexpected deliveries waiting for me: 10 pallets from M&S, 7 pallets of yoghurt from ASDA. bonus: my fridges were full, i had yet to allocate today's food, and corporate volunteers were arriving in less than an hour. stress levels were high but i survived-- with a huge smile on my face. deep down, i know i'd be disappointed if there wasn't a bit of a challenge on my last day (in charge-- my last day as a volunteer is tomorrow).

i've spent my week committing to memory the faces of the people i work with. i'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that tomorrow is my last day. i don't like goodbyes. each day i say my farewells to a different set of volunteers. i lost count at how many times i teared up today. i think i'll just carry around a box of tissues tomorrow. the waterworks will definitely be flowing. i'm not a sappy, sentimental person but it's those darn warm fuzzies that do me in. a note of praise from a colleague who won't be in tomorrow, a special trip to bring me back a card from a volunteer, and an apple pie from the builders- a tribute to the day i couldn't find a slice in borough market on the 4th of july.

this was truly an experience i will never forget.

the future freaks me out.

9 weeks down, less than 4 days to go and i'm left wondering "what's next?"

boy, oh boy, i wish i knew.

i embarked on this journey searching for answers. a direction. a calling, so to say. this fall, i begin my senior year at florida state. senior year. the year everyone expects to hear your impressive life 'plan'. truth is, i don't have one. i chucked my life long desire for med school out the window last summer in australia and haven't looked back since. i've spent the past year directionless, hopping from one impulsive whim to the next.

each time i go abroad, i learn something about myself. i return to the states with a new perspective, a new goal, a new lesson acquired... naturally, my pre-departure mentality equated england with self discovery. i wanted to leave london with a 'purpose'. mission failed. i'm leaving london more confused than ever. thank you, FareShare.

when i applied for a serviceship, i thought i was passionate about alleviating hunger. fareshare helps hungry people, i want to help fareshare. although i was intrigued at the idea of a 'green' food bank, my environmental concern was lacking. aside from a half hearted attempt at composting, my hippie dippie qualities end at recycling, bike rides, and walking around barefoot.

i surprised myself. shocked, is more like it. with FareShare, i've discovered a passion for the environment. i could care less as to who eats the food as long as it doesn't go to the dump. i cringe at the thought of waste of any type. sorry dad, but i've jumped on the sustainability bandwagon.

of course, this returns me to my original million dollar question: what's next?

i've got a head full of information and a new passion. now what do i do with it? your guess is as good as mine.

i guess we'll all just have to wait and find out.

t-minus 14 days

i have two weeks left with FareShare.
i'm heartbroken.
i don't want to leave.